Scared?

"You're getting open heart surgery?!! Aren't you scared?"

Yes, I am scared. I am frightened. The most frightening thing about this whole ordeal is that my heart, which has been beating since before I was born, is going to be stopped for the first time ever. If that's not scary, I don't know what is.

But, I'm also really, truly, okay. Mostly because shows like Grey's Anatomy and House have made  open heart surgery look overly-dramatic, in my humble opinion (yes, I am aware that it is still a major operation). Secondly, and most importantly though, it would be an incredible waste of time for me to worry.

I found this neat little quote on Pinterest:

via.

I'd like to amend the quote to: "Have you prayed about it as much as you've worried about it?" 

Yes, it's important to acknowledge that I am frightened and nervous. But dwelling on those feelings doesn't help. It is so incredibly important to acknowledge that I am surrounded by  a God who constantly tells us, "Do not fear. I am with you." So, instead of spending time YouTube-ing hundreds upon hundreds of open heart surgery procedure videos (I'm weird, I know), I can turn my computer off and spend time in prayer, in conversation with God.

~ I can pray in thanksgiving for my surgeon, my anesthesiologists, my other doctors, my nurses, and the countless others who will be taking care of me.

~ I can pray for the faith and the grace to be able to see God in others, and to let others be God's love to me.

~ I can pray for the courage and patience to trust others, and most importantly, trust God.

And then I simply have to stop praying, and look around. I am constantly surrounded by God's love. God is there, regardless of whether I am scared, excited, anxious, sad, lonely, or confused. God is there, always. God is there in my loving mother, who has been pushing all kinds of nutrients on me to strengthen me for surgery (I just chugged a bunch of molasses and have had at least 9000 different vitamins today). God is there, in my friends all over the country who are praying for me, and will be praying for me during my surgery. God will be there, in the hands and feet of the doctors and nurses who will take care of me.

And God is here now, as I write this blog entry. When I fall asleep tonight, He will be there. When I stare straight up into the bright lights of the operating room, God will be there. His love is inescapable and indestructible; I cannot escape His love.

Where can I go from your spirit? 

From your presence, where can I flee? 

If I ascend to the heavens, you are there; 

if I lie down in Sheol, there you are. 

If I take the wings of dawn

and dwell beyond the sea, 

even there your hand guides me,

your right hand holds me fast.

If I say, "Surely darkness shall hide me, 

and night shall be my light"--

Darkness is not for you,

and night shines as the day.

Darkness and light are but one.

You formed my inmost being; 

you knit me in my mother's womb.

I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;

wonderful are your works!

My very self you know.

My bones are not hidden from you

When I was being made in secret, 

fashioned in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw me unformed;

in your book all are written down; 

my days were shaped, before one came to be.

-Psalm 139:7-16